Sometimes it feels like I have gone full circle. Does this mean I have been around, researching kids and teenagers for too long?
If I look back on the heady years, when we first started working with kids and their families, mum was generally one of the central figures in our research. Received wisdom was that she made most of the key decisions about feeding, clothing and educating the family. She had the key role to play. The kids pretty much did what she asked them to do; they toed the line (or dealt with the sometimes painful consequence). Am I giving away my age?
Mum was the primary influencer and motivator. Dad played a role – certainly – but it was usually mum who played the strong-handed roles of controller/organizer, disciplinarian, and so on… As a result, our research questions were aimed at her, with back-up and feedback from the kids of course – we looked to them for some of the finer details. The big decisions – the larger brush strokes – were all provided by mum. So when did the changes start happening? When did the roles begin to reverse? Indeed, what was the paradigm shift that has meant we now take our lead from the kids and look to mum to fill in the gaps and reinforce what we are hearing from the kids?
I guess it started when we realised that mums were increasingly becoming interested in being ‘friend’ as well as mum, they wanted to raise children differently, and no longer were kids ‘seen and not heard’. In a way, this gave the kids more power, and thus they learned to know their own minds best.
As we continued to dig deeper into what kids were telling us, we saw a whole new set of creative thoughts and possibilities unfolding, un-tethered by prejudices and unedited – quite fascinating raw material. There is no doubt that working with kids is exciting as well as challenging, their incredible candour means we can rapidly grasp at that which they are aspiring.
Having said that, we are also aware that mum has never been far behind the scenes. As her kids have seemingly taken over the reigns, a dimensionalised role of mentoring is coming to the fore. Now we see that we need to deeply understand this emergent power so as to get vital viewpoints from her mentoring perspective.
We have talked about a mother’s many facets or modes, from caring, to nurturing, educating, motivating, admonishing and releasing, and time and again we are struck that when deeply involved in getting our heads together with the kids that there still is this great force behind them: mum. She is now a new type of filter through which we should run our new-found ideas.
She again has a final word (but in a new way; a new style) and we should not forget to ask her for it!